A Mother’s Doubts

A better day than today
Today was such a very long day.  Both Deborah (1) and Ben (12) whined most of the day.  It’s hard to be a sick mom and take care of sick children.  My upper back aches.  I feel my body hunch as I write, but still I’m grateful. 

Grace comes when you least expect it, and today it came as I sat in Deborah’s room this afternoon trying to read a few scriptures.  Jesus’s disciples asked him the question, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 

Isn’t that a question we subconsciously ask ourselves everyday?  Is what I’m doing good enough? Do I matter?  Am I making a difference?   As a mom, I often feel secluded from the world stage.  I don’t feel like I’m a participant, and yes, I often feel quite unimportant.  Certainly not great.  Especially today.  It’s very hard to have a productive day when you are so tired and directionless and still trying to give direction to your children.  Why don’t you read a book instead of watch X-men?    A:  I’m too sick to read. 

So this is a very good question, is it not?  How can we be the greatest when we feel so lousy? 

So Jesus answers their question:  Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 

Really?  That’s it?  I’m getting humbled every day, am I not?  For example, tonight when Deborah would not stop crying , we finally realized she had a bad diaper.  At least I can blame that on my stuffed up sinuses.  Still, I felt awful (and surprised since it had to have been her 5th bad diaper of the day or so it seemed).  So we cleaned her up and collected the baking soda for the bath, the towel, the diaper ointment, the dry skin cream, the warm bottle, the undershirt, the sleeper, the second sleeper, all of which of course were found in the far corners of the house and required many trips up and down the stairs.  Sigh. 

Yes, motherhood is such a humbling enterprise as children are not always grateful (although Deborah was tonight when the whole ordeal was over).  Maybe, just maybe this is the path that will take me to be the greatest.  Maybe I can learn to be more childlike my watching my children.  Doesn’t Davy share so easily?  Isn’t Deborah so generous with her love?   We come back again to being, again don’t we?

And Jesus emphasizes how much little children matter to him, and I am caring for five of those precious children.   It is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.  So can I work too hard for one of His children?  Today my body might resoundingly say Yes but deep down, I know that I can’t work too hard for one of His little ones.  So I rest tonight and hope that I will have the energy to face another day again, knowing that I am becoming someone pretty special. 

Although some of you may not be of my faith, this has been very influential to me the last few weeks.  You may enjoy it.  I recommend watching it (click watch on the right). 





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