I am weeping right now as I write. I’m so tired, and I’m so foolish because it is so late, and I need to go to bed, so I will be short and share just one thing quickly.
Tonight we had a pizza party with my husband’s extended family. We had lots of cousins and games and tender moments. I’ll share pictures later. We finished around 8:00, and my husband and I decided to plop down and watch a movie.
It’s hard to find something decent. Usually I’m pretty careful, but tonight I wasn’t. My husband quickly feel asleep, but I stayed awake, and I’m embarrassed by what I watched. It was as if everything I believed was being directly attacked, and I felt like I was in such a limbo and confusion.
When I turned off the television, I felt such a darkness and self-doubt. I couldn’t shake it so I came to the computer. I went to NieNie for comfort, which led me to CJane, which gave me a link to this tender mercy. It was such a reenforcement to me of what I wrote yesterday on my blog. It was as if she had read my blog and made what I wrote 100 times better. I cried as I listened, and I finally felt comforted.
Perhaps this is foolish to share. Blogging is such a scary thing, and I don’t know if I have courage to continue. What is appropriate to share? When do I become too personal? When do I scare people away by sharing too much of what I believe? I know I must be careful. I really dont’ know what I’m doing.
I do know one thing and that is that everything seems to be coming together for my good right now. I’m not talking about wordly success, but just everything that I’m learning is so beautiful and transforming, and I just know that I am on a path that is right and good.
There last two months were supposed to focus on “self” and better habits. Despite many many tries, I never got on top of keeping track of my cellphone and planner. I’m supposed to be going to be earlier and now it is 12:18 a.m. But far greater things happened than I expected, and I’m just so grateful.
I’m also relieved. So relieved that I don’t have to work on “self” any more–at least not so intenstely. The month of May will be a glorious month of food. Sweet relief. Just recipes and no more of this weepy stuff. I promise.
If you’re still here, thanks for listening.
What gives you comfort?