The Downside of Being a Food Snob

OK.  I admit it.  I never get excited about making jam.  Some years I make it.  Others I don’t.  But, my kids love it, and I guess that’s why I do it.  And it teaches them to work and be self sufficient, yada, yada, yada.

Deep down though, the real reason I make my jam is because I’m a food snob.  When the captain brings home a big jar of generic grape jelly and puts it on the second shelf of our fridge right next to my wicked homemade chili, well, then he’s got a serious case of refrigerator rage on his hands.

Our fridge is the most prime real estate in our home.  Putting grape jelly on the second shelf is like putting a used car lot right in the middle of Yosemite National Park.  It’s just not done.

Anyway, being a food snob is ok if you enjoying cooking.  Me?  I’m after that skinny guy’s job in Ratatouille, the guy that went around restaurants tasting everybody’s food.   I would rock at that job.  But for now, every time I want to eat something tasty, I have to make it, share it with six other people in this house, and then clean up the mess.   I so feel like the Mother Hen who was making bread all the time.  

I know I have to be a little careful about my food snob ways.  The captain was getting ready to take his scouts out in the mountains to make some dutch oven peach cobbler.  When I found out that he was planning on using store bought canned peaches in his cobbler, I threw a fit about it.    
“Honey, we have a huge box of fresh local peaches here.  Why would you not use those?”
“They’re just scouts,” he replied.  
 “But peaches are in season right now!” 
“They’re just scouts!”  
Now that I think about it, he does have a point.  I’m basically feeding a bunch of my scouts at my house so why even bother with the homemade jam at all?  
Later that night, I overheard the boys talking in their bedroom.
“So what did you think about the peach cobbler tonight?” Reed asked Philip.  
“Uh——————” said Philip.
“It was pretty runny, didn’t you think?” 
“Uh, yeah———“
“Did you eat it?”  
“Hey!” yelled the captain.  “I heard that!”  
So I guess I’m just raising a bunch of food snobs at my house.  Maybe it’s time to get out the grape jelly.  After all, I do want my future daughters-in-law to like me.  
Are you a food snob?  Here’s a self test.  Circle all the things you are willing to eat.
a) Store bought grape jelly
b) Spam (you know, the ham)
c) Big Mac
d) Canned fruit cocktail
e) Cool-Whip
f) Kool-Aid
g) Miracle Whip
h) American processed cheese
If you circled any of these foods, you can rest easy.  You are not a food snob.  Otherwise, pray that Martha Stewart will invite you to one of her parties.  I am.   
What foods do you just absolutely refuse to eat?  


  1. I guess I am a food snob too, if your test is a true indicator. I pretty much don't like any fruit but fresh. And I'm going to be even more snobby when I'm done here in Europe. America's chocolate, cheese, and bread have nothing on Europe's!!

  2. “Captain” here. I admit that the peach cobbler with the scouts wasn't the best I've ever made. This was mainly due to our time constraints. We had an hour to first meet at the church, drive up to the park in the canyon, start a fire and get coals hot enough for a dutch oven and then cook and serve the cobbler. AND it was raining. Just cooking the cobbler usually takes about 45-60 minutes. But I have made that cobbler many times on scout campouts and they are dying for more. Yes, even my own kids (who are picking up the food snobbery from their mother) have begged for more.

    And yes, I use canned peaches and have never had anyone complain until my sweet wife looked at me with the “ARE YOU CRAZY!” look as I was headed out the door. Fresh peaches might be better. But I would rather watch scouts open a few cans of peaches with a can opener (which I dutifully forgot) than manage a bunch of 12-14 year old boys with dirty hands and fishy-smelling pocket knives cutting up fresh peaches.

  3. I am definitely a food snob too!! I hate “fast food” and processed food. I think it's teaching our kids to eat healthier NOT eating the crap that is quick and easy. I do however see the “Captain's” point of view and agree with him too.

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