I finally got around to finding a preschool for Deborah, and yes, I know it is November. To be honest, I’ve not been a big believer of preschool, namely because my mother never sent me, and I turned out alright.
I know that one of the touted perks of preschool is better social skills which I think is a big joke. Seriously, name one three-year -old in possession of any social skills. I’ve known squawkers, whiners, and a few tots with a good set of pinchers, but I have never come across a preschooler that has said, “Good morning, Mrs. Blackburn. Your silk scarf is most becoming on you. Let me help you with your coat.”
Anyway, what got me to finally enroll Deborah was her incessant whining about it, but I was mortified when I saw all the paper work the school handed to me. Most unsettling was the very long list of things I was expected to do with my child like “use eye droppers to pick up colored water and transfer from cup to cup” and “use pegs or toothpicks to make designs in play dough.” Why do you think I’m sending her to preschool?!!
I then felt inspired to write my dream letter, the letter I wish Deborah’s preschool would send me.
Dear Mrs. Blackburn,
We noticed that you brought your child to preschool alive. Well done. We also observed that half her nose was clean, and she only hit a few children. Again, you should be commended for your efforts, and we would like to honor you as our mother of the month which comes with a full day treatment at Aesthetica Spa.
We would also like to mention our pick up and drop off service that comes with your tuition. We will come to your home fifteen minutes before preschool starts and pick up your child. If she is not ready, we will dress her, comb her hair, put her favorite crown on her head, and brush her teeth despite her insistence that her toothpaste tastes “gross.” We will also pick up your dry cleaning and then return it, cleaned and pressed, when we bring your child home.
We are pleased to tell you that upon your daughter’s first day of school, we have taught her to read.
This leaves us free to focus on the important aspects of your child’s development, namely, perfect obedience and a delightful temperament. Upon graduation this year, your daughter will never complain about dinner but rave about your delicious broccoli and quinoa salad. Furthermore, she will eat it. She will come the first time you call her and will always bring you a See’s chocolate. She will learn to clean bathtubs, vacuum under her bed, and even do some light filing. She will be taught to return and report on her assignments with a curtsey and a smile. And starting tomorrow you will never hear her whine again.
If you choose to enroll her next year, she will learn how to bake quiche, resolve disputes with the IRS, and clean second story windows. Calculus is optional.
We thank you for the privilege of teaching your child. Please see the all day spa gift certificate attached. We will keep your daughter here five extra hours on the day you so choose to use it.
With warm regards,
I can dream, can’t I? I guess what I really want is an obedience school.